Why It Takes Me Twice as

Long to Watch Anything

My husband Troy and I recently sat down to watch an episode of television.

At least that was the plan.

Five minutes into the show, someone appeared on screen.

“Is that Hugh Jackman?” I asked.

“It sure looks like him, but I don’t think it is,” Troy replied.

The show continued playing.

“No. I’m pretty sure it is.”

I picked up my phone.

Google disagreed.

The show continued playing.

“Well then who is it?”

Now we had a mystery.

I searched the guest cast list.

The show continued playing.

Apparently it wasn’t Hugh Jackman.

It was another actor whose name I immediately forgot despite spending ten minutes researching him.

The show continued playing.

“He’s actually been in a lot of things we’ve watched.”

Naturally, this required further investigation.

I pulled up his entire filmography.

The show continued playing.

“Oh! He was in that movie we liked.”

“Which one?”

This led to another search.

The show continued playing.

“Wait. I missed that part.”

Troy rewound the show.

For reasons neither of us can explain, it never occurred to us to pause it.

That would have made far too much sense.

Instead, we simply kept rewinding.

The actor, it turns out, was married to an actress we both recognized.

This information was clearly essential.

I looked her up.

The show continued playing.

We discussed every movie she had ever appeared in.

The show continued playing.

We remembered another movie we liked.

We looked up where it was streaming.

The show continued playing.

At some point I learned where the actor was born, how old he was, who he was married to, what other television shows he had appeared in, and several completely unnecessary facts that I will never use again.

The show continued playing.

Eventually the credits rolled.

Neither of us had any idea what happened in the episode.

The crime had been solved.

Justice had been served.

Characters had experienced emotional growth.

Meanwhile, we had spent forty-five minutes conducting an unsolicited background investigation on a man who appeared on screen for approximately six minutes.

“Well,” I said, “I guess we need to watch that episode again.”

This is not an isolated incident.

I cannot simply watch things.

I research them.

A casual question becomes a Google search.

A Google search becomes a rabbit hole.

A rabbit hole becomes a documentary-level investigation complete with supporting evidence, related articles, and recommendations for future viewing.

By the end of the evening I know everything except what actually happened in the show we sat down to watch.

I wish I could say this only happens occasionally.

It does not.

I suspect there are two types of people in this world.

Those who can simply enjoy a movie.

And those who emerge two hours later knowing the actor’s birthday, hometown, spouse, complete filmography, and where to stream three unrelated movies they now want to watch.

If you’re one of those people, I have a question.

Have you ever actually finished an episode the first time through?

Because Troy and I certainly haven’t.